How to Find a Mate Without a Date

By Paul Strand
CBN News Sr. Washington Correspondent

June 28, 2008

CBNNews.com -- ENUMCLAW, Washington -- You go to college, you get a career going, then you find a mate.

That's pretty much the way the marriage game is played these days.

But is it the best way?

WEB EXTRA! Pastor Mark Gungor Interview

CBN News visited some people who say the Bible and thousands of years of experience and wisdom point to better ways.

There's a small church in rural Washington that when it preaches God should be Lord of your life -- they mean that all the way -- right down to letting God pick your spouse.

Romance Half-Way 'Round The World

If we told you a young man and woman had agreed to marry without even meeting each other first, what Old World country do you think they'd be from? Well, this is a story about a young man from here in Enumclaw, Washington, and a young lady from Scotland who agreed to do just that.

Even before he was a teenager, Joshua Williams told his preacher-parents he didn't want to date and he didn't want to play the field to find a wife -- he wanted what Isaac and Rebecca had in Genesis -- a God-arranged marriage.

His mother Carla Williams remembered, "We had always encouraged our boys to wait on the Lord for their bride, and I had been praying for their brides since they were really little, and when he said that to me he was only about 10 years old."

Joshua clung to I Corinthians 7:27: "I was not to be seeking a wife, and I was taught that from a young age."

On the other side of the world, in Scotland, Kerry was also believing God for an Isaac/Rebecca marriage. "When I read that story, I just knew that's what God was saying: 'this is my plan. This is the perfect way marriage is supposed to be.' I really had that desire, that I wanted God to pick my husband."

Back in Washington state, not dating was tough sometimes for the teenage Joshua, especially in this bold new age when girls often chase the boys. Carla said girls would come up to her when she'd be volunteering at Joshua's school and say, "'Tell Joshua to ask me to the dance.' And I'd say 'No. He's waiting on God. You know that's his decision and I'm praying for that person. If you're not that person, what can I do about it?'"

And Joshua never wanted to go against the Word when dealing with the girls around him. "Scripture talks about we're to treat younger women with absolute purity."

After Joshua graduated high school, he admits he did sometimes despair about how he'd ever find a wife. But then when he was 20, his parents went to Scotland to do some ministry. Carla said, "We didn't go out looking for a bride for Joshua. When I went to Scotland, that was the last thing on my mind."

God Whispers

But they ran into 19-year-old Kerry at one of their first ministry meetings. And Carla remembers God right then speaking to her as she saw Kerry. "I walked into this room and she was coming in from the outside, and it was like 'woah!' and God just whispered in my ear, 'Joshua's wife.'"

Carla kept her mouth shut about this and prayed fervently to make sure she'd really heard the Lord, finally asking her husband about it half-a-week later. "And I said, 'what about Kerry?' And he said, 'Joshua' ... just as strong and determined as could be."

When they came back to the States, Joshua's dad asked him, "'How would you feel if we had someone for you?'"

Joshua knew this was certainly unorthodox, but he had a great peace about it. So he said he was on-board. And then, "... My mom called up Kerry and we say that she proposed for me."

Then, Joshua started e-mailing Kerry, his first note saying something like, "'... Hello, I'm going to marry you."

Kerry soon emigrated to Washington, and moved in with Joshua's parents months before the marriage, absorbing Carla's wisdom gained through three decades of marriage, "Learning from a real godly wife how to be a wife, and just how to serve, how to love."

Joshua and Kerry married in 2002. Now young parents, they tell the whole tale in their book The Perfect Date. And they minister together, taking to churches and conferences and church camps the Williams family message: God wants to be the Lord of who, when and even if you marry.

The Gungor Philosophy

After we'd interviewed the Williams family, we heard about Pastor Mark Gungor, author of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, and one of America's most popular and successful speakers when it comes to love and marriage. He disagrees with the Williams' belief that people should hear a word from the Lord before marrying. In fact, he finds no biblical evidence to support such thinking.

But in other beliefs, he's just as radical as the Williams clan.

For instance, he believes we're trying to force young people to wait far, far too long before they marry. Gungor told CBN News, "The thing that turns boys into men is marriage, responsibilities, children. That's what jerks the slack out of you. So while we're saying 'no, they're too immature, they're too immature' and we push it and delay, delay it ... they stay immature. Ask any girl, 30 years of age and single trying to find a guy to marry, and she'll tell you: 'they're all so immature.'"

Gungor said it's unrealistic for the church to expect endless abstinence from young people who are also told to put off marriage for many years. "And I would argue that if you can wait that long, then don't get married! Good grief, what does Paul say in Corinthians: the overwhelming reason to get married is a sex drive. Okay?"

And Gungor said we need to consider: are we pushing young people towards family and love, or away from it?

"The biggest factor to successful marriage is the involvement of family. Without question. So what do we do? We threaten our kids 'if you get married too young, I'll disown you.' So that when they do get married, the family pulls away from them ... leaves them out there hanging. Then they fail and everyone comes running in and saying, 'I told you so!'"

Gungor stated young people and their parents shouldn't let college or lack of money get in the way of marriage. "Man, if you were helping your kid if they were single and 20 in college, why because they're married now are you not helping them? What sense does that make?"

If they marry, start working, and the money's tight, he said parents should help them.

If they want to marry and continue college, he said again parents should help them.

And he added, "Every study shows that married college students fare better than single ones."

Family Should Be Involved

He went even further, saying relatives should help young people find a mate. "Family should play a huge factor in even helping you decide who to marry in the first place."

And Gungor pointed out, "For thousands and thousands of years, men and women got married because their parents got together and helped them decide."

Joshua's mother Carla totally agrees parents need to have a say. "It's our responsibility as parents to be one hundred percent involved in that."

Joshua and Kerry told CBN News they're so glad Joshua's parents always made it a priority to hear from God about his future and be involved. Joshua said, "Years before they even met Kerry there was the wrestling in prayer: 'what is God's plan for Joshua?'"

And Carla pointed out, if parents and kids both keep their eyes on God first, He'll lead when it comes to marriage. "So if you wait on Him, and not seek that and get all worried up about that and keep your mind on God, then God's going to take care of all that."

In the end, who do you trust more to pick the perfect mate: you or God? It's such an important decision, you do want to get it right.

Enjoy your life!

As clergyman Henry van Dyke wrote nearly 100 years ago, "To be glad of life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars; to be satisfied with your possessions, but not contented with yourself until you have made the best of them; to despise nothing in the world except falsehood and meanness, and to fear nothing except cowardice; to be governed by your admirations rather than by your disgusts; to covet nothing that is your neighbor's except his kindness of heart and gentleness of manners; to think seldom of your enemies and often of your friends... these are little guideposts on the footpath to peace."

Everyone needs a mission for their lives; a purpose that they know is clear, meaningful and somehow influential to this world. It says of King David that he served his generation and then died. Without this meaningful mission it seems that life becomes just a sequence of mundane duties that has no inspiration or direction.

But this mission is more than just money or pleasure, which are so temporary in their ability to fulfill us. No, this mission is one that can be maintained and is inspirational in the face of the most trying of situations and circumstances. It will always ensure that there is a harmonious balance to all the facets of your life, and leave you sensing the deep knowing that you are experiencing your best life.

Have you spent time really looking at what it is you are 'called' to do here on this earth? What it is that you will do and should do that will serve this generation?

Have you written down this mission and purpose for your life and developed a strategic plan of tasks that will keep you on track to fulfill this mission for your life?

Don't just survive! life is too short for that. Enjoy every day. Live each day. Go to bed at night having that sense of contribution in some small way that will benefit this world because you were in it.

A forgotten virtue?

Why humility?

1. Humility makes us more likeable. It's that character trait that makes us more flexible and adaptable to the personalities of others, and allows them to adapt to us. Pride insists that everyone be like me, think like me and adapt to me. Pride breeds an exclusivity. Unknowingly, pride begins to exclude others from its 'world' because they may differ from it. Hurting and insecure people tend to do this with great emphasis. Groups, too, can become ingrown, but really it is a form of pride and lacks humility. Pride will tend to be unaccepting of the differences of others.
   
2. Humility makes it easier to work with others. Humble people don't try and force their will off on others. They don't impose themselves on the will of others. They don't try and force their ideas and opinions off on others. They don't try and force strong-minded people to accept their ideas and opinions.
   
3. Humility makes us more teachable. Humble people are willing to listen to the views of others and learn from those that may know more than them. Its pride that says we don't need others and that we know it all and cannot be taught. How about the person we think knows nothing or is not an expert in our field? Is it possible someone else can teach me something I haven't learned yet? Is it possible my opinion may not be the in the right perspective? Personally, I believe that our filters of discernment are sometimes discolored and motivated by a sense of pride, and therefore give us dogmatic approach to our own opinion and belief of issues. Humility means I can change, I can adapt.
4. Humility is a confidence in the identity of who I am and Whose I am. Humble people are confident, not arrogant. They don't need to 'display' themselves. When we know who we are and who we are in Christ, we don't need to 'destroy' everything that is a threat to us. We are not threatened by that which is different to us or holds a different view to us, or may be stronger than us. Insecurity is a form of pride. It manifests as 'humility' but is really a pseudo form. Insecurity fears its 'position' or 'place' is threatened and therefore could lose it and be embarrassed. Embarrassment is the result of an anticipated loss of honor and dignity. But when you are confident in who you are, your sense of dignity and honor is not found in 'positions' and 'praises', but in a deep knowing, regardless of where you are found.
   

In a world where push, demand, bite, devour, self-exaltation, win-at-any-cost is applauded and valued, we need a new rethink of this forgotten characteristic and virtue: HUMILITY.

Self-discipline

A satisfied life comes from meeting your most important objectives. And that means doing what needs to be done, without wasting time or energy worrying about whether or not you feel like it. As the Nike slogan insists, "Just do it."

"When we develop the habit of plunging in without whining, complaining or procrastinating, we are on our way to genuine freedom," observes author Laurence G. Boldt. "We may not want to face it in such stark terms, but the choice is self-discipline or dependency; boss yourself or be bossed."

Are We Really Trying? Excerpt from The Gift of Change: By Marianne Williamson

Everyone I know wants the world to change. All of us want to be part of the solution. We find the thought of the complete revolution of human values a very attractive idea. Everyone's all ready to sign up. Let's go!

But wait. You start to hear a few little complaints. "Can we do this when 'The West Wing' isn't on?" "Could I sign up for a slot between two and four on Saturday, when the kids are at soccer?" "Couldn't we meet in a nicer place?" We're the only generation in the history of the world that wants to reinvent society over white wine and brie.

Only in America would someone expect changing the world to be convenient! Hello. Reality check: The suffragettes had no cell phones. The abolitionists had no faxes.

They did have love in their hearts, however. And so do you and I.

I asked a friend what I should speak about at a talk I was to give in his bookshop, and he said, "Speak about the challenges of living a spiritual life today -- I mean, we all try so hard!" And I thought to myself, "No, we don't!"

For whatever reason, however, we keep telling ourselves we do. We're all revisionists these days, and we're not content to just revise our past -- we even revise the present. We seem to have a magical belief that if we describe ourselves a certain way, then it must be true.

We talk about how hard it is to live a spiritual life when we're not even meditating regularly or making the deepest effort to forgive those who have hurt us. Perhaps we have spent so many years in the classroom that "student mode" has become a habit.

It's time to graduate. Enough of us know spiritual principles now; we've read the same books and listened to the same tapes. It's time to become the principles now, to embody them and demonstrate them in our daily lives. Until we do, we will not really learn them at the deepest level. They will not inform our souls or transform the world.

And if that's the case, we will go down in history as the generation that knew what we needed to know yet didn't do what we needed to do. I can't imagine how it would feel, to die with that realization.

We've subscribed to a kind of ivory tower notion of spiritual education: keep it abstract and intellectual and safe. Yet the spoils of history usually go to those willing to get dirt underneath their fingernails.

I heard a woman talking recently about her frustration with politics: "We've tried so hard, and nothing ever seems to change!" I thought she must be joking.

"Uh, no, we haven't. How many of us even vote?" I asked her. "And if we do, what does that mean -- we go to the voting booth every two or four years? Where do we get off thinking that we've tried so hard?" Are we thinking we made some supreme and noble effort to change the world, and it didn't work?! We've been so trained by thirty-minute sitcoms that if we don't get what we want in half an hour, it's like, uh-oh, we tried but failed. Too bad. It's over. Next.

Mother Teresa made a supreme and noble effort. Martin Luther King, Jr. made a supreme and noble effort. Susan B. Anthony made a supreme and noble effort. We have not made a supreme and noble effort. In fact, most of us make very little effort to change the world. But then we feel frustrated when we see that it's not changing!

Usually, when people say, "We've tried so hard!" they're not really talking about themselves. It's more like, "Well, there are other people I know who have!" It's laughable when you think about it. Perhaps we don't realize the big secret in our midst -- which isn't how little power we have to change things, but rather how much power we have that we aren't using! We're like birds who were never informed, or have forgotten, we have wings.

But a great remembering is reverberating among us, and whatever we've done or haven't done, succeeded at or failed at; whatever time we've used well or time we've wasted; we are here, we are available, we are present to the moment and up to the challenge.

All we need remember is this: if God has given us a job to do, He will provide for us the means by which to accomplish it. All we have to do is ask Him what He wants us to do and then be willing to do it.

About the Author:

Marianne Williamson is an internationally acclaimed author and lecturer. She has published ten books, five of which have been #1 New York Times bestsellers. A popular guest on numerous television programs such as The Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Live, Good Morning America, and Charlie Rose, Marianne Williamson has lectured professionally since 1983. In 1989, she founded Project Angel Food, a meals-on-wheels program that serves homebound people in the Los Angeles area. Today, Project Angel Food serves over 1,000 people daily. Ms. Williamson also co-founded the Peace Alliance. http://www.marianne.com

You are going down, man! Part 2

As we view our lives and the experiences we have been through, we can see that the hand of the Lord has been on us for our good and for our growth. Satan has used weapons against us to destroy our lives and to keep us out of the game of life, but the very weapons he has used against us are the very weapons that God will use, as we get victory over them, to deliver many caught up in the deception of darkness.

The grace the Father extends to us for our salvation and deliverance, becomes the weapon of choice to be the vessel of God's salvation and the manifestation of His revelation to others. "Be strong in the grace of the Lord Jesus", Paul told Timothy.

Becoming "skilled" in this weapon, in this grace, and letting the Spirit train your fingers for war, is essential for the ministry the Lord has for you. You see, David had to fight only one giant that day. Not the whole army. Only one champion of the enemy was necessary to be defeated. Once that enemy was taken down, the whole host, the whole horde of the Philistines collapsed and were defeated.

What is your giant that you have been "trained" to defeat?
What champion of the enemy sits as a hindrance to your victory, championing the cause of the hosts of the enemy?
What armies could be defeated if you were to defeat the one champion? What hosts could fall, because of your obedience, your training, your equipping?

Be prepared in the fields of seeming insignificant duty and responsibility. Defend the faith at times of obscurity. Face up to enemies that will try and rob your life and duty before God. These times will be the preparation you need for that time when you will be assigned to that giant, to that champion, that will bring the kingdom of God to regions and people.

We need to understand that the Lord is not calling us to 'kill' all the giants. But we are called to defeat the one he has assigned for us. The one no one else wants to tackle, or are not graced to tackle.

So, prepare well. don't be distracted and take down that enemy!