Guard The Tongue.

Courage is the quality of every quality at its highest testing point.

Stephen Covey

Guarding what you say and how you say it takes tremendous courage and self control.

Derogatory or negative words can inflict wounds beyond anything we could physically do to a person. Words last longer, go deeper, and influence than we sometimes can imagine.

Some people take great delight in boasting about their ability to tell someone off, putting others in their place, sarcastically bring them down to size and tell them exactly how 'they feel' about them.

But the Bible says:

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in WHAT HE SAYS, he is a perfect man, able to keep HIS WHOLE BODY in check. James 3.2

Perfect here is not, as in, never a fault, but rather a mature, fully grown up person. Someone who is emotionally mature enough to keep themselves in control, even as a mentor(verse 1).

Isn't that amazing?

Keep your tongue in check and controlled and you keep your whole body bridled or mastered.

Weighing your words before speaking, especially when you are stressed, under pressure, tired, frustrated, and irritated, takes tremendous self-discipline. But this could mean the difference in destroying someone's life and purpose, or at least inflicting wounds that create callous insensitive hearts or an mentee that does the same to others.

You must be a reference point, a model, an example of someone who can guard their words so that you do not react to situations, without a self-discipline or self-control.

Much can be said about the power of words to build, encourage, acknowledge, love, and empathise with another person, or to tear down, wound, destroy, break down, discourage, manipulate and divide from another person.

But really the idea here is that we see the vital place of making control of or tongue a habit and behaviour that we can live as mentor/fathers, to be seen by those we mentor and father.

Do you think before you speak?

Or do you mouth off and then regret what you have said afterwards, if at all?

How measured are your words?

Do you personally have mastery in this habit, this element?

Can you honestly say, under all conditions, that you are able to choose your words and not react with negative words?

Are you in the habit of building people with your words?

Please! Your Habits, Mentor!

Over the years, my encounters and journeys with various mentors have taught me some things to do and some things not to do.

My own journey as a mentor/father has allowed me to discover what I should do and model and what I shouldn't do and model.

Either way, as a mentor/father there are certain elements that allow you to influence and mould your mentee/child.

What I found over the years was that I am by no means perfect and definitely needed reminding about these fundamental actions and habits in my life and relationships wherever I am.

You see, its not the great big things we do that matter in the long run, its the basic elements we can habitually exercise in our dealings with those we mentor every day. Whether I am in business, ministry, a father, a friend, disciple, spouse or dealing with people, these fundamentals need to be part of my behaviour and personal make-up.

Even though as mentor/father you are not a failure if these things are not always there in your lives, but from my experience, they will affect the outcomes of your mentoring.

And definitely will affect how you feel about yourself. Your own self esteem as a mentor/father.

Developing mentee's is an outcome of what you live, how you relate, and what you instruct.

As a mentee on a journey, I never looked for perfection in a mentor/father but for some basics that would assist me in my own change of paradigms. Someone who could and would model and be a reference point for what it was that would be my own purpose and destiny.

Mentor/fathers are so important for the honing of the life skills necessary as a leader and successful individual. When we look around us in the professional and personal world, in politics and church, we can see the need for the deep shaping of character based on the right values and principles modelled by mentor/fathers par excellence.

Its easy to command, demand and instruct but another thing to invest and develop and guide a person to a fruitful and effective life, in every area.

The key here is the fundamental personal elements that can be modelled and passed onto them, shaping their paradigm and view of the world and their behaviour in interacting with others,

but if you cannot master these and infuse them into your behaviour and relationships – what will you be producing in your mentor mentee relationships?

• What strengths or weaknesses are you likely modelling?
• Do you exercise self-control in your habits?
• How are your relationships? Friction? Don't get on with people? Inconsiderate?
• Are you what you teach and instruct?
• Do you try and impose a rigid standard or do you influence by being an example?

In the next posts we will look at these in more detail.

Til next time.

Hey Mentor Are You Hearing Me?

It is such a privilege to sit with a mentor/father and hear their insights, stories of their experiences, their wisdom and to receive their input on issues that you may be facing.
But there are just those times when you wish you could share your heart and soul with them.
Mentor/Fathers have to learn to listen, to listen to understand, to hear the paradigm of the mentee.
It is a skill that mentors should bring to the relationship from day one.
It is a skill because most have a 'sell and tell' focus. (As my friend always says)
They feel that regardless of what you have to say, they have the answer anyway, and generally cannot wait for you to finish speaking so they tell you how it really is. (Did this one too!)

Listening, really listening with your heart
Develops trust
Helps you to understand the mentee
Eliminates assumptions
Creates the opportunity to share what the mentee needs
It is the beginning of a paradigm shift
Opens the door for more intimate future encounters
It inspires creativity

When you don't listen first, you really create an environment for assumptions, misunderstandings, suspicion, and disappointments.
Simply because you may be hearing enough for you to think you have the solution, and you begin to speak from your own paradigm and the danger is you could be imposing something on the mentee that he/she doesn't need or want.
The result will be that they will 'swith off' somewhere in the rhetoric thinking they don't know me and don't want to.

Is there room to give your input as mentor/father?
Definitely!
But the key is to be an empathetic listener - first.
When the mentee, believes you are prepared to listen and understand where they are coming from and what they are trying to say and why they are saying it, they will be prepared to listen to your view - your values and principles.

The Bible talks about being "quick to hear and slow to speak".
There may come a time when you will have to guide the conversation so that what is being shared is constructive and reaching a point of insight and reflection; where the mentee can begin to understand their own paradigm and make the shifts necessary or strengthen and be aware of what they haven't discovered about themselves and their paradigms yet.

Mentor/father, it takes discipline and perseverance to acquire this essential skill.

Build deeper relationships with your mentees
Reveal your wisdom
Make your counsel available
Be a trusted friend

Mentor: You Are Not Needed

As a mentor/father you do not have all wisdom, all knowledge or all the revelation required.

I stressedso much trying to have the answers for every question, for every shortcoming and mistake from the mentee's. But in raising my own children I soon realised its not having all the answers that is required. In fact, its an insecure leader that needs everyone to chase after them, requiring them to have all the 'counsel' for their young lives and leadership. Rather, it is a true leader mentor/father that has the wisdom to guide the mentee into an understanding of their own ability to choose, to decide and listen to the dictates of their own conscience.

Many say they do, but their imposing rules, laws and conditions testify to a different condition and purpose altogether. Yes, there needs to be a set of guidlines, principles and boundaries for the relationship to operate in. Yes there needs to consequences to wrong behaviour. Yes there needs to corrections and disciplines.
But Are we not creating an emotional  dependency on us, in a sense a CO-dependency through our needing the mentee "needing" us, and them never reaching the place where they do not need us.

A mentor oncesaid to me, "Why are these people not seeking my counsel, my wisdom? Don't they realise I am the one skilled in these things?". Hearing this, I wondered what it was that HE needed or though he needed. Was it not possible that they DID NOT  need him right then? That if he had rather spent his time and energies investing in the relationships and providing acceptance, unconditional love, patient undestanding of where they were in the season of their lives, they would, when needed, seek his input, wisdom and counsel?

My own sons still call me and ask my input on various subjects and issues in their lives. Its such a privilege!
Yet, as I have always been, very sensitive to 'guide', rather than direct, to coach by helping them investigate the options, rather than impose my own personal idea and agenda.

Mentees and children more than anything desire and seek acceptance, and sometimes without them realising it, the opportunity to be educated in, listening and obeying the voice of their own heart, conscience and what flows out of their own character
Release them to hear and act upon the voice of God within them.
Allow them to take the initiative of their lives.
Have the strength of character to NOT be needed all the time, and it will take strength.
But be close by to give the needed acceptance, support when they miss it, affirmation and approval in their decisions and choices.
Believe in them, even when you think it should be handled differently, remembering its not your life and journey but theirs.

Mentors Live What You Teach

A few years back, I submitted myself to a Mentor/Father, but unfortunately he had agendas that I was not aware of that in the long run cost me dearly.

People would ask very suspiciously why I would even have considered the relationship. Understanding the dynamics of the mentor -mentee relationship is hard to explain when you have not been there and when you get caught in the web- that place of deception and control.

I was given a series of teaching by another mentor in my life and when I listened, I was so inspired within, because it was what I knew to be true and knew I needed. You see, as a young minister and leader I was still struggling so much with insecurity and wanting to do it right. my heart had always been to preach and teach God's Word and see the church and people come to their full potential and 'learn' to know the Lord in a deeper dimension by knowing the Word. My wife and sat under some of the best teachers in the world and sensed the calling of God to take it to the world. We were so excited. We had worked with young people and children and had shared at numerous church camps, youth retreats, crusades and campaigns. We had taught and overseen our own cell group which had grown, we even had planted a little church that didn't do too well.

But when it came down to it, the second church we planted grew and we were excited about those coming to fellowship us. I sought out men who I thought could help me with leadership, of myself and others. In retrospect I can see they probably didn't know much either, because I went from "If you want to relate to me, you have to relate to my organisation" to outright rejection when I didn't do it their way. the stuff I ended up being scripted in was not always beneficial and left me still with a vacuum in my leadership and in who I was.

Of course the instructors wanted me to 'come under' so they claim something of how many they have 'under' them. But that was not my heart.

Where were the mentor-fathers who at their cost of their own lives would be prepared to take you under their wing , with no agenda and share their lives and experience with you.

Everybody had their own idea and basically really knew.

I then heard the message about the pastor and his father that I shared about earlier in this series, and I saw it, I saw what was needed. But as I began to share it with others, boy, did I ever get rejected again.

Fast forward to the day I receive the set of tapes with teachings regarding what needs to happen in the church and I believed I had encountered an Apostolic Father. I listened day and night and studied the word for myself. I pursued and tried to associate as much as possible, believing that here would be a father that could assist me with my leadership and shortfalls. But Oh was I ever so wrong!

Unfortunately, slowly but surely I began to discover that what I was hearing and what I heard was not what was being lived. the actions of the 'mentor-father' did not line up with their instruction. IT WASN'T REAL!

I was devastated, and it left me disappointed and disillusioned. But even more it left me wiser. Even though in the lesson of control, manipulation and all the pain, trauma and devastation, it cost me everything I had - even my purpose, my vision, and my sense of self esteem I was Wiser because I now had been to the jaws of and belly of control by a very insecure leader who could teach but not live what he taught. Leaving a trail of broken, disillusioned and robbed leaders behind him.

It was only by the grace of God that I was released from this, and found my freedom that comes through the gospel of truth.

We have to learn, as mentor fathers to be real and live what we believe, because that is what our disciples/mentees will emulate.

Do not teach what you do not do.

Be real, be transparent.

Do not let your insecurities control you.(or others)

Always, always keep in perspective that the child/mentee's full potential is the agenda not your fame and ego.

Seek their liberty as leaders, that they may come into the place of independence and inter-dependence, rather than the immature emotional state of counter- and co-dependence.

Research Survey: For Break Out Event

As an accredited Mentor/Business Coach and pastor/teacher for many years I have counselled and assisted many individuals and groups with various areas of victorious and successful living with a focus on living with integrity from the heart basing their lifestyle on the principles of the Word of God.

I have sensed for some time that the Lord has been prompting me to 'minister' to the market place and invest into the "church" outside the 4 walls, with mentoring/coaching and training to encourage and equip for their ministry, calling and function.

I am working on some programs that I believe will be a blessing but I need your assistance.

First off, if you could complete this online survey, it would greatly assist me to assess what the prevalent needs and issues and concerns are in the market place, and thereby offer the right information and direction and guidance to those I will minister to.

Survey Here with SurveyMonkey

And secondly, if you could ask others to also complete, that would really be great.
It is on my wall on FaceBook as well, but I need as many as possible so as to ascertain the best possible reflection and measure of the "need" in people's lives.

Thirdly, we will be launching our new and revitalised w/shop and event with mentoring and coaching; watch this space.

Thank you so much for helping with this, I really appreciate.

Survey here with SurveyMonkey

Taking Your Authority Too Far

There are few things is this earth as powerful as spiritual authority.

As a mentor you function in an authority that gives you tremendous influence over those you mentor. It therefore has to be taken very seriously and as Jesus said it should be handled as someone who deems themselves a servants and last of all. Not as those who exercise authority and as those who lord it over others, especially those they lead, mentor and father.
I believe mentoring/fathering gives you a God-given authority in the life of those you mentor that has deep spiritual dimensions, especially if you are a 'spiritual' mentor. Now the abuse of this authority and influence through the vehicles of manipulation and control and intimidation, leave those in our care dis-empowered and traumatised.

They are constantly in the battle of their minds, trying to understand and get to grips with whether they are wrong or whether they are right.

An abuse of spiritual authority is in all reality witchcraft!

It very frequently and mostly goes hand in hand with a spirit of deception. The deception leaves those in your charge unable to discern what is actually is going on, and even when they do sense that something maybe 'wrong', they are too afraid and intimidated to make a decision because they are so dis-empowered that they think and believe that it has to be them that are wrong because they MUST submit.

Not many understand this level of control, unless you have been there yourself and escaped and found your God-given liberty and freedom by knowing and walking in the truth.

Abuse of any form, kind or fashion is evil and is a manifestation of witchcraft, even when found in the church. And they all have a spiritual dimension that forms a web in the mind and goes hand in hand with a spirit of deception.

But the control and abuse exercised by spiritual leaders and authorities, goes far deeper and leaves the victim by far more scarred and with effects that take longer to overcome. I believe this is because of the level of trust and intimacy of relationship that forms and takes place in this relationship.
At times it can be as bad as not trusting anyone or discussing anything with anyone because it may get shared with the 'leader'. To very extreme cases you will whisper to the closest person to you just in case it may overheard.

Does this sound extreme?

You will find yourself in a situation where you want to "get out" but cannot, because of fear - not a physical threat of life, but just an intimidation; a fear of displeasing, of doing it wrong, of missing the way, and of being rejected.
To those that have been there and experienced this, it is a very real and indescribable place. Unless someone has been there it is hard to explain and put in to words. Yet as a victim, you suffer the anguish of accusation by association, judgement, suspicion, criticism, and blame. You are placed in a'box' labeled, and viewed as 'damaged' goods.

Yet those have experienced and been traumatised by the abuse of spiritual and other authority, and survived will be so much more sensitive to the feelings of others, recognising the signs and outcomes of such illegitimate authority. Misunderstood, but certainly stronger.

Its a fine line to walk as a mentor/father. My challenge is always to those that have this privilege to walk circumspectly and soberly in the role God has given you as a mentor and father, whether to one or many. 

Err rather on the side of too little than too much!
Never, never violate the ability of the mentee to hear and obey the unction within their own heart.
Die to your own ideals, agendas, personal convictions and tendency to label the mentee.
Be unconditional in the relationship and the process of the mentoring.
Never, never take advantage of the relationship,  even if the opportunity is staring you in the face- your integrity is at stake!!
Repent of and avoid any form of control and manipulation at its slightest inclination in your life and leadership.